Mom

On July 10, 2015, my mother’s six-year battle with breast cancer ended. She fought bravely for 6 years. Twice the doctors gave her 48-72 hours and she said fuck you.

The man I've called my dad for close to 30 years stood by her to the very end and I am eternally grateful for his loyalty to her. He made my mother very happy throughout the years. I want to share with you what he wrote today:

“I am very saddened to say last Friday afternoon, Dierdre Helmly, my beautiful wife, best friend and companion for almost 30 years passed away from breast cancer.
She fought a heroic, six-year battle and not once during the multiple surgeries, weekly chemo infusions, and numerous radiation treatments did I see her cry, complain or feel sorry for herself.
Instead, she stayed positive, focused, said fuck you cancer, and met its evilness eye to eye.
She was the bravest, most courageous and strongest person I have ever met, much more so than I, and refused to give up. She battled for her life, like a brave warrior, until the bitter end.
The fighting has ended, her pain and suffering is now over, she is finally at peace.
She was loved by all her family and friends and will never be forgotten. Her memory, and our love for her, will live on in our hearts and minds forever.”

Dierdre Ann Finnen Helmly was born on June 24, 1948 in Brooklyn, New York to Joseph and Anne Finnen. The second of seven children and the oldest daughter.

6/24/1948 – 7/10/2015

Just dates. A fraction in time that has so little significance to so many. It’s that dash in the middle and what it contained that leaves a mark on the world and a legacy for generations to follow.

I can tell you that my mom grew up in a large family on Long Island and attended an all-girls Catholic school up until high school. I can tell you she graduated from Half Hollow Hills High School in Huntington New York. I can tell you she was called Dee by her friends. I can tell you that she loved her brothers and sisters unconditionally. I can also tell you she is survived by her husband Chuck and her two children, myself and my sister Katy along with three grandchildren. But that really doesn't tell you about “Mom”.

You see, there are so many parts of me and my personality and traits that I got from my mom. Being raised by a single mom in the 70s and early 80s was not too common back then. It was tough for a single mom to raise a boy on little money. There was very little extra to do anything because of it.

She always liked to have nice things in our home, and she made it a home. Mom was one to “re-cycle” furniture. She could and would get an older piece of furniture from a yard sale that was so hideous it wasn't even funny. She would sand the piece down and tell me that below all the ugly was a beautiful piece of furniture we could use for a long time. With that kind of frugality, it showed and taught me to see the deep down potential in something. To look below the surface to what is of substance to bring out the beauty in it.

I remember times that she worked for a small retail shop off Kendall Drive on the weekends to try and make ends meet. I think I was about eight or nine at the time. She would get up at 4 am to go pack up quilts that the shop sold and take them to the Bird Road flea market and work the booth all day in the sun. Sometimes they sold well and she made some money. Other days absolutely nothing. She never gave up. There was a time period that money was so tight that sometimes we didn't have enough money for food in the house. She refused to go on welfare. She just said that we needed to work harder. My first job to help was at a gas station around the corner. This was back in the day when there was still full-service stations. She told me to take pride in my work. No matter what it was, even cleaning someone’s windows. It’s not about the money, it is about doing a good job and being proud of it.

There were many times when her “Irish” showed. A fierce fighter for what she believed to be right. She and I could “argue” a point for hours upon hours and many times we stayed up late into the night doing just that. She would finally say “Michael! You are so damned stubborn!” Thanks Mom for passing along that trait to me. Never give up because of being so damned stubborn isn't such a bad thing sometimes.

Before she got sick she would come out to Phoenix and spend the summers with us. She did it to help me but it was more of her spending times with her granddaughters. To teach them little things like how to sew or crochet. How to do ceramics. Artsy crafts type things. Teaching the girls to use their imagination and not just sit around watching TV all day long. The girls are so much more creative because of their Grammy. She absolutely loved her granddaughters unconditionally.

One day she took the girls shopping at Payless to get a few new pairs of shoes or flip flops or something like that. As the story went, they were in line waiting their turn. As they moved up to the counter a woman cut in front of her and literally bumped her out of the way to start berating the cashier with profanity. Now my mother is no prude when it comes to language but she does not put up with disrespect at all. I don’t know what exactly my mother said or did but the girls said “Grammy doesn't take crap from anyone! She made that lady apologize.” Stand up for what is right and treat people with respect. She would always treat a waitress or waiter with extra kindness if they were working hard. I think this comes from hopping tables at Francesco’s pizza when she was younger.

She is who she is because of a set of values she refused to compromise. Raised by the children of Irish immigrants who loved this country and grateful for opportunities instilled a strong sense of patriotism in her. While being a hippy at heart, she wanted to see change in our social system back to when life was better for all people. 

So let me share with you a little of the life’s lessons I learned from Mom:

1. See the beauty within and do what you can to help bring that out. In people, in objects, and in life.

2. No one owes you anything. Word hard and sacrifice if needed.

3. Stand your ground for what is right

4. Show respect and treat people accordingly.

Thanks Mom for always loving me. I miss you and I promise to keep my elbows off the table when I eat.

See you on the other side Mom. I love you. 

Your son.