A really great session in therapy today. We spoke about trust and intimacy. Two stuck points I have. With all the stuck points I am surprised I can even move at all.
To get to the main point of this, I need to talk a little about my inability to completely trust others. It is different to be able to trust the guy next to you in combat and to be able to trust a friend. It’s different. The Marine who has my six is ready, willing and able to either take out a threat or take a bullet for me. Sitting back to back in the darkness, I believed that with the guys I served with. Questioning that kind of trust in another has always come up. Especially when I feel betrayed by the words they speak. How can trust be there? Without trust, there can be no intimacy, and that is what I want to talk about today.
An important aspect of mental stability is the ability to calm yourself. This is called self-intimacy and is reflected in the ability to be alone without feeling lonely or empty. It is difficult to soothe yourself when you are this way at times. In my session today, we spoke about the emptiness I feel all the time. Like an insatiable void within myself that needs to be filled. I have tended to fill this emptiness with service to others. It is part of my core belief system that “service above self” is a cornerstone of being whole.
I have attempted for 26 years to become whole again only to falter and fail in that endeavor. This brings up the feelings of emptiness and loneliness even more. This feeling does not coincide if I am with someone or not. It is my internal struggle. It goes to a belief of inadequacy of skills to be able to perform what I need to do. No matter how perfect I can be, it will never fill that void.
Many people may turn to an external source to fill that void and experience some comfort. They may turn to food, drugs, alcohol, spending money or sex. Also leaning on a demanding or needy relationship is another way. These are just crutches that, instead of helping, only prolong the reactions. I have leaned on several crutches for way too long. I may need help in dealing with my reactions, but that is normal according to my psychiatrist. I need to remember that even though my feelings are quite strong and unpleasant to experience, I need to remind myself that they are temporary and will fade over time.
The ability to be close to another is also something I have struggled with. The wall I put up because of the previous loss of an intimate connection has seemed to confirm my belief in my own inability to be close to another person. This has been a detriment to my relationships. My psychiatrist told me today, “If you had previously had satisfying intimate relationships with others in the past, you may find that combat may leave you believing that you could never be intimate with anyone again.” The inability to be vulnerable to another person is debilitating, to say the least.
So this is me being vulnerable. This is me admitting to not only the world but to myself that I cannot ever be perfect and will make mistakes. I need to forgive myself when I fail instead of beating myself up over it. I need to ask for forgiveness even if another doesn’t forgive. I especially need to offer forgiveness even if another does not feel they did anything wrong.
One step at a time. Thanks for walking along with me.
